ic inbox.

[bronze]

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BUFFY SUMMERS
@BUFFY — if the apocalypse comes, beep me!

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✟ AU INBOX.

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[bronze]

( what's it say about her? she's scum too, obviously. it's either that or she's better than everyone else — two split opinions she oscillates wildly between, depending on whatever hurts most at any particular moment. )

it doesn't say anything, because it doesn't mean anything. just stop.

[chipped]

That what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night?

[bronze]

( Why )

i don’t sleep at night. haven’t you noticed that? i’m just going between one moment and the next. and yes, i used you as a distraction. i didn’t exactly hear you complaining

you know where we fall.
i’m the slayer, you’re william the bloody.
you kill slayers. i kill vampires. the end.

[chipped]

[ It hurts, of course it does--the way everything with Buffy hurts. But Spike's already numbing it with his flask. ]

You might've believed in the black-and-white of it all when we first met, Buffy. So did I.

But parroting it now? You're fooling yourself.

I love you. Can't stop loving you. And some part of you knows you belong in the dark with me.

[bronze]

you’re soulless, not brainless
try harder

( pressing the proverbial hang up button, Thank You. )

[chipped]

What if I had a soul

Could you feel something for me, then?

[bronze]

( i already do, she thinks. that's the whole problem. )

you mean like
what if i knew you when you were human?

( there's only one vampire she knows with a soul — spike isn't him. thinking like this is just asking for heartache, anyway. (which, ironically, shouldn't be there in the first place.) )

that ship already sailed, spike. you haven't forgotten drusilla.

( buffy hasn't. she killed kendra. )

[chipped]

[ He knows he's walking a fool's path, knows she won't give him anything and knows she's slamming every door shut as he steps up to the threshold. But Spike feels desperate, has to find the one angle where Buffy will invite him in. ]

You didn't answer the question

[bronze]

( the bottom line: she doesn't know how to. having a soul won't change all the things he did while he was void of one — the same way all those things can't stop buffy from wanting him, even needing him sometimes. the soul isn't exactly the issue, it's how spike makes her feel. it's what he does to her. it's how she responds to it. it's — wrong, she thinks. august and gale were wrong. something is wrong with her, demonically wrong, because this can't possibly be right. )

william. please stop.

🎀

[chipped]

[ Spike wants to grab her by the shoulders, beg her not to call him that. Beg her to kill him, end him, love him. Treat him like a man instead of a thing, treat him like a thing so he doesn't have to care about all the ways he's wronged her. All the ways he tries to do better and comes up short, because he'll never be good.

He throws his phone into the woods, instead. ]