( i already do, she thinks. that's the whole problem. )
you mean like what if i knew you when you were human?
( there's only one vampire she knows with a soul — spike isn't him. thinking like this is just asking for heartache, anyway. (which, ironically, shouldn't be there in the first place.) )
that ship already sailed, spike. you haven't forgotten drusilla.
[ He knows he's walking a fool's path, knows she won't give him anything and knows she's slamming every door shut as he steps up to the threshold. But Spike feels desperate, has to find the one angle where Buffy will invite him in. ]
( the bottom line: she doesn't know how to. having a soul won't change all the things he did while he was void of one — the same way all those things can't stop buffy from wanting him, even needing him sometimes. the soul isn't exactly the issue, it's how spike makes her feel. it's what he does to her. it's how she responds to it. it's — wrong, she thinks. august and gale were wrong. something is wrong with her, demonically wrong, because this can't possibly be right. )
[ Spike wants to grab her by the shoulders, beg her not to call him that. Beg her to kill him, end him, love him. Treat him like a man instead of a thing, treat him like a thing so he doesn't have to care about all the ways he's wronged her. All the ways he tries to do better and comes up short, because he'll never be good.
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no subject
you mean like
what if i knew you when you were human?
( there's only one vampire she knows with a soul — spike isn't him. thinking like this is just asking for heartache, anyway. (which, ironically, shouldn't be there in the first place.) )
that ship already sailed, spike. you haven't forgotten drusilla.
( buffy hasn't. she killed kendra. )
no subject
You didn't answer the question
no subject
william. please stop.
🎀
He throws his phone into the woods, instead. ]