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( thank you, buffy. for killing him. he was no good, you know. and your gift is death, after all.
it makes her want to shrivel up. no one would console her for mourning him β no one would, should care. she can't think of a way to defend him that doesn't make her the enemy. she's not sure how to admit she hesitated. you know, he wasn't always like that. that wasn't my angel. he used to be soft, and brooding, and silent, and sad. he used to have so much love inside him, he'd give it to anyone who needed a little. he used to say he'd never hurt me, not ever.
the angel i loved. i killed him. again, again, again. your gift is death, buffy, so when are you going to accept it? )
you're welcome
you okay?
it makes her want to shrivel up. no one would console her for mourning him β no one would, should care. she can't think of a way to defend him that doesn't make her the enemy. she's not sure how to admit she hesitated. you know, he wasn't always like that. that wasn't my angel. he used to be soft, and brooding, and silent, and sad. he used to have so much love inside him, he'd give it to anyone who needed a little. he used to say he'd never hurt me, not ever.
the angel i loved. i killed him. again, again, again. your gift is death, buffy, so when are you going to accept it? )
you're welcome
you okay?
[he'd known a lot (too much, pulled out of him effortlessly, the pink under angelus's hands having koby spill his guts without a second thought, because that's what he was told to do, because that's the part he had to play in this, an inciting spark that culminated in -- this) but koby hadn't known that part of the history, the connection between them. he's been skimming the network post, gathering as much as he can with his head aching and his eyes watery and blurring, but he just knows --]
You knew him. He was trying to hurt you and Faith, because you knew him.
I'm so sorry, Buffy. I'm so, so sorry.
[because she knew him. because she had to do this. because it was koby's fault, not hers, because he'd been stupid and naive and trusting (again, again). he doesn't answer the question, tries to summon up enough energy to reach out, find her, a flare of pink several shades brighter than his own.]
Did he hurt you? Are you okay?
You knew him. He was trying to hurt you and Faith, because you knew him.
I'm so sorry, Buffy. I'm so, so sorry.
[because she knew him. because she had to do this. because it was koby's fault, not hers, because he'd been stupid and naive and trusting (again, again). he doesn't answer the question, tries to summon up enough energy to reach out, find her, a flare of pink several shades brighter than his own.]
Did he hurt you? Are you okay?
( it's good of koby β unfair he has to give it, but that's who he is. empathetic. kind. kinder probably than buffy deserves given everything, but that's par for the course. she is, as it stands, sitting on the floor next to a bed that used to be spike's, her knees folded up to her chest, watching one of the basement cats bat around a dead mouse, continually trying to leave it at buffy's feet in offering. she tries to will spike to come back, even if just for a second, so she doesn't have to feel so alone.
ironically, she's down here so no one will find her. )
you don't have to be sorry. i know he hurt you.
it's not your fault, koby. it's mine. he's my responsibility.
( did he hurt you? only in every way conceivable. somethings are still healing βΒ other things never will. )
he hurt giles. and amy.
i'm not brave enough to face them yet. so, that's how i am.
ironically, she's down here so no one will find her. )
you don't have to be sorry. i know he hurt you.
it's not your fault, koby. it's mine. he's my responsibility.
( did he hurt you? only in every way conceivable. somethings are still healing βΒ other things never will. )
he hurt giles. and amy.
i'm not brave enough to face them yet. so, that's how i am.
[koby's up in one of the empty parlors, stretched out on his back on a understuffed couch, the springs of it digging into his spine. his head aches, his usual store of energy completely sapped, overdrawn on an account he'd paid empty without knowing where the bottom was. because he had to help, had to do something, because --]
He didn't. He just asked things and I told him and it didn't feel wrong, because I wanted to do anything he wanted.
And it's not your fault and it shouldn't have had to be you.
[but the simultaneous fact: who else could it have been? there are vampires and there are slayers and there's no place in between (he thinks, then thinks of spike, thinks, dreads, fears that a girl who cared for one vampire might care for another).]
He killed Cassian.
He sent me pictures. He thanked me, Buffy.
You're the one who STOPPED him.
[the fault, the weight of it is clear. someone is dead because he opened his stupid, trusting, oblivious mouth, a black and white fact.]
He didn't. He just asked things and I told him and it didn't feel wrong, because I wanted to do anything he wanted.
And it's not your fault and it shouldn't have had to be you.
[but the simultaneous fact: who else could it have been? there are vampires and there are slayers and there's no place in between (he thinks, then thinks of spike, thinks, dreads, fears that a girl who cared for one vampire might care for another).]
He killed Cassian.
He sent me pictures. He thanked me, Buffy.
You're the one who STOPPED him.
[the fault, the weight of it is clear. someone is dead because he opened his stupid, trusting, oblivious mouth, a black and white fact.]
it had to be me.
( she wouldn't have trusted anyone else with it. maybe βΒ faith. but then, she's shoveled enough shit on faith's plate to last a lifetime. no, it had to be her. it was important that it was. and now β
her breath catches in her lungs, a little. she didn't know angel had been so busy beforehand βΒ had foolishly thought she was the object of his maliciousness. that, she can handle. has handled, in fact, maybe excellently, for the past few hours. someone else caught in the strings of angel's playtime? buffy is sick, down to her stomach. cassian's dead body is her fault. if she has acted faster, if she wasn't sentimental, if she managed to leave the past buried where it was β
(not the past. they had one perfect day, up until angel decided they couldn't, anymore. i love you so much buffy, i'll protect you from every ounce of happiness your body is capable of cooking up. i'll let you be miserable if it keeps you alive.
but being alive has never been buffy's priority. she keeps trying to give up, to lose βΒ no one lets her.) )
he made you. he had your pelt. i want you to stop thinking like this right now or i will come over and personally hand your ass back over to you.
angel makes angel's choices because that's who he is. you're koby. you know who you are. you try, and you work hard, and you always do your best, and everyone knows and everyone loves you for it. you have one hundred jobs because you want to be useful, because you can't imagine not helping out, because you can't slow down, because someone might need you. you made a welcome brochure to help people, because you know what it's like to be scared and lost. you're always the first one up and the last one out βΒ you don't know how to stop moving, because if there's someone in front of you who needs someone, then you go running. and there's always someone. so you're always running.
you didn't do this. and it's not your fault. let me know if you want me to come over and slap you.
( she wouldn't have trusted anyone else with it. maybe βΒ faith. but then, she's shoveled enough shit on faith's plate to last a lifetime. no, it had to be her. it was important that it was. and now β
her breath catches in her lungs, a little. she didn't know angel had been so busy beforehand βΒ had foolishly thought she was the object of his maliciousness. that, she can handle. has handled, in fact, maybe excellently, for the past few hours. someone else caught in the strings of angel's playtime? buffy is sick, down to her stomach. cassian's dead body is her fault. if she has acted faster, if she wasn't sentimental, if she managed to leave the past buried where it was β
(not the past. they had one perfect day, up until angel decided they couldn't, anymore. i love you so much buffy, i'll protect you from every ounce of happiness your body is capable of cooking up. i'll let you be miserable if it keeps you alive.
but being alive has never been buffy's priority. she keeps trying to give up, to lose βΒ no one lets her.) )
he made you. he had your pelt. i want you to stop thinking like this right now or i will come over and personally hand your ass back over to you.
angel makes angel's choices because that's who he is. you're koby. you know who you are. you try, and you work hard, and you always do your best, and everyone knows and everyone loves you for it. you have one hundred jobs because you want to be useful, because you can't imagine not helping out, because you can't slow down, because someone might need you. you made a welcome brochure to help people, because you know what it's like to be scared and lost. you're always the first one up and the last one out βΒ you don't know how to stop moving, because if there's someone in front of you who needs someone, then you go running. and there's always someone. so you're always running.
you didn't do this. and it's not your fault. let me know if you want me to come over and slap you.
[and the thing is, she's right -- nobody else knows angelus, knows what he's capable of, knows how to cut the hurt off at the root so it doesn't keep spreading, infecting. it's a thankless, ugly job, and it's one that buffy hadn't asked for, but she'd stepped up, stepped in, put herself as collateral damage for the sake of everyone else. and it had worked, happily-ever-after writ in blood and ash and whatever history buffy doesn't even consider worth mentioning.
that, and what she says next, painting a picture so accurate that koby can't argue with it for the first time in his life -- it's eloquent and exact and he doesn't need to reach out or probe around in her emotions to know buffy gets it because that's her too. because there are people made to be protected and there are people made to protect, and if you're the latter it gets into your bones, into your head, and you split yourself open on the altar of usefulness and you thank the universe for the privilege of sacrificing yourself, because what else can you be? who are you if you aren't the slayer, the hero? who are you if you can't make it easier and feed yourself on all the fear and all the loneliness and all the pain you took from someone else?
it feels arrogant, comparing himself to her, all his efforts in finding amy and giles just damage control, an attempt to atone for giving angelus the matches and the kindling and the best way to hurt everyone. but buffy wouldn't be able to see all that if she hadn't first seen it in the mirror.
so:] And you're Buffy. You're Buffy and we need you, and I'm sorry for that, because it's not fair. It's not fair that it had to be you.
But it was. And it could've been Ani next, or Max or Grace or anyone, and it wasn't, because you made it not be and
I don't think I'm the only person running, that's what I'm trying to say.
Also you can come slap me if you want to. Maybe it'll fix me.
that, and what she says next, painting a picture so accurate that koby can't argue with it for the first time in his life -- it's eloquent and exact and he doesn't need to reach out or probe around in her emotions to know buffy gets it because that's her too. because there are people made to be protected and there are people made to protect, and if you're the latter it gets into your bones, into your head, and you split yourself open on the altar of usefulness and you thank the universe for the privilege of sacrificing yourself, because what else can you be? who are you if you aren't the slayer, the hero? who are you if you can't make it easier and feed yourself on all the fear and all the loneliness and all the pain you took from someone else?
it feels arrogant, comparing himself to her, all his efforts in finding amy and giles just damage control, an attempt to atone for giving angelus the matches and the kindling and the best way to hurt everyone. but buffy wouldn't be able to see all that if she hadn't first seen it in the mirror.
so:] And you're Buffy. You're Buffy and we need you, and I'm sorry for that, because it's not fair. It's not fair that it had to be you.
But it was. And it could've been Ani next, or Max or Grace or anyone, and it wasn't, because you made it not be and
I don't think I'm the only person running, that's what I'm trying to say.
Also you can come slap me if you want to. Maybe it'll fix me.
[ By the time he knows anything's happening, it's all over. He catches up piece by piece, individuals confirmed safe one by one. Safe, sure, but well? Very few of them.
And safe thanks to who? Stephen's been lax at keeping up with Buffy. Given the day she's had, he doesn't let that stop him. ]
Do you have someone with you?
[ He knows the need to be alone. But he's not sure it's ever done him any real good, and he doesn't think Giles would thank him for enabling the instinct if it's hers too. ]
And safe thanks to who? Stephen's been lax at keeping up with Buffy. Given the day she's had, he doesn't let that stop him. ]
Do you have someone with you?
[ He knows the need to be alone. But he's not sure it's ever done him any real good, and he doesn't think Giles would thank him for enabling the instinct if it's hers too. ]
( there's been enough time to circle back around to β )
ha! worried about me?
( dissociative avoidant. )
i'm good. hurt my hand, though.
are tony and shadowheart okay? i didn't hear their names tossed around, but apparently angel was pretty busy. so.
( was. that's the tense you use, after you kill someone. past. )
ha! worried about me?
( dissociative avoidant. )
i'm good. hurt my hand, though.
are tony and shadowheart okay? i didn't hear their names tossed around, but apparently angel was pretty busy. so.
( was. that's the tense you use, after you kill someone. past. )
They're fine. They were pretty busy too, at the time.
[ An entirely different kind of busy. Sorry to Tony and Shadowheart, but he figures she could use the laugh. ]
I know a doctor who could take a look at that hand for you.
Or I can ask Shadowheart to head over later.
[ Because: yes. He's worried about her. ]
[ An entirely different kind of busy. Sorry to Tony and Shadowheart, but he figures she could use the laugh. ]
I know a doctor who could take a look at that hand for you.
Or I can ask Shadowheart to head over later.
[ Because: yes. He's worried about her. ]
π you dog!!
( she takes a look at her hand, poorly bandaged and still bleeding, because buffy doesn't know how to do stitches, even though she definitely needs them. the cut goes down to the delicate bones in her hand, because she gripped the glass that tightly. normally she heals up quickly, in a day or two, but this seems slower for whatever reason. maybe her body is as tired of getting better as she is.
still, if stephen sees the wrap, she's pretty sure he'll be insulted. or, worse βΒ hurt. there's enough of that going around without buffy adding to the pile. )
do you take my insurance? my insurance which is none, by the way.
don't bug shadowheart. i'd feel bad. plus, healing up right away feels like cheating.
( she takes a look at her hand, poorly bandaged and still bleeding, because buffy doesn't know how to do stitches, even though she definitely needs them. the cut goes down to the delicate bones in her hand, because she gripped the glass that tightly. normally she heals up quickly, in a day or two, but this seems slower for whatever reason. maybe her body is as tired of getting better as she is.
still, if stephen sees the wrap, she's pretty sure he'll be insulted. or, worse βΒ hurt. there's enough of that going around without buffy adding to the pile. )
do you take my insurance? my insurance which is none, by the way.
don't bug shadowheart. i'd feel bad. plus, healing up right away feels like cheating.
Hey. I was innocently meditating. I left the degenerates home alone.
[ There's a relief in her next answer. Permission granted, door left ajar. He may not have the best bedside manner in the house, far from it, but he still remembers a birthday party when she was four, the debrief after her first watch of the Lion King, the first time she'd turned up at his apartment building having run away from home. In reality, he doesn't know her at all. And in that same reality - it really doesn't matter. ]
I am your insurance. [ Free appointments for friends and family. ] You ready for me now, or do you need some time?
[ He'll grant it to her now he knows she's not determined to get lost. If she needs a half hour alone, or with the people who've kept up with her more recently than he has. Otherwise, he'll be on his way. ]
[ There's a relief in her next answer. Permission granted, door left ajar. He may not have the best bedside manner in the house, far from it, but he still remembers a birthday party when she was four, the debrief after her first watch of the Lion King, the first time she'd turned up at his apartment building having run away from home. In reality, he doesn't know her at all. And in that same reality - it really doesn't matter. ]
I am your insurance. [ Free appointments for friends and family. ] You ready for me now, or do you need some time?
[ He'll grant it to her now he knows she's not determined to get lost. If she needs a half hour alone, or with the people who've kept up with her more recently than he has. Otherwise, he'll be on his way. ]
Edited 2026-01-18 22:32 (UTC)
i'm ready now, if you're not busy. with the degenerates and the like.
i'm in the crypt.
( spike's old bachelor pad. she'll move out again when she feels more normal βΒ which doesn't seem like it'll be any time soon, but will probably have to be tomorrow. anyway, she can put on a brave face for a little while at least. for uncle stephen. her hand fucking hurts. )
i'm in the crypt.
( spike's old bachelor pad. she'll move out again when she feels more normal βΒ which doesn't seem like it'll be any time soon, but will probably have to be tomorrow. anyway, she can put on a brave face for a little while at least. for uncle stephen. her hand fucking hurts. )
( like any self respective hunter, guilt comes with the territory. the guilt of sleeping in is still there, but for all intents and purposes, there was one casualty when there could have been more. dean at least agrees on how underwhelming his whole schtick was.
dean's used to having perfect timing, even if late. maybe that was chuck's influence for the story.
because the first time he caught up with them, they fell into the pool below.
and the second, buffy was sobbing over nothing. he knows there are all different vampires. he knows buffy's vampires turn to ash. he knows this guy mentioned her and faith. he'll check on her next. he keeps his distance and lets her wail.
eventually, she recedes into the castle and he can't blame her. he does his best to help with cleanup, before eventually reuniting with his new friend chris.
the next day, though, around noon, he dials her number. and expects to get voicemail. )
Hey, it's Dean. I know firsthand how shitty this is, and how your only instinct is going to be to either tamp it all down and let it break you inside slowly, or to pull away from anyone and everyone. So I'm calling to try and nip both in the bud. Trust me, I do know how something like this feels, not that I'm trying to make this about me. ( he taps the phone against his forehead, what is he saying, he tries again. ) I'm here, okay. I know we're not close, but we are close in this. So, if anybody is qualified to listen, it's me. So, I'm calling to say, take whatever time you need, but then let me have it. Release it all. Cause if you don't, it will eat you alive. Or, you'll take it out on the wrong person. This is coming off like a lecture. Look, I'm just worried and looking out for you and, jesus, want to be a friend. So, if you take anything from this, it's that. I'm here. When you're ready, I'm here.
dean's used to having perfect timing, even if late. maybe that was chuck's influence for the story.
because the first time he caught up with them, they fell into the pool below.
and the second, buffy was sobbing over nothing. he knows there are all different vampires. he knows buffy's vampires turn to ash. he knows this guy mentioned her and faith. he'll check on her next. he keeps his distance and lets her wail.
eventually, she recedes into the castle and he can't blame her. he does his best to help with cleanup, before eventually reuniting with his new friend chris.
the next day, though, around noon, he dials her number. and expects to get voicemail. )
Hey, it's Dean. I know firsthand how shitty this is, and how your only instinct is going to be to either tamp it all down and let it break you inside slowly, or to pull away from anyone and everyone. So I'm calling to try and nip both in the bud. Trust me, I do know how something like this feels, not that I'm trying to make this about me. ( he taps the phone against his forehead, what is he saying, he tries again. ) I'm here, okay. I know we're not close, but we are close in this. So, if anybody is qualified to listen, it's me. So, I'm calling to say, take whatever time you need, but then let me have it. Release it all. Cause if you don't, it will eat you alive. Or, you'll take it out on the wrong person. This is coming off like a lecture. Look, I'm just worried and looking out for you and, jesus, want to be a friend. So, if you take anything from this, it's that. I'm here. When you're ready, I'm here.
[ she debates, for a long time, whether or not she should do this. it doesn't feel right to say nothing, especially when she knows what it's like to have had to be the one to kill someone close to you. but she doesn't know if it's her place when they don't know each other here, not the way they had in duplicity.
but because she'd known her there, she can't go without saying anything.
it's still a long time before she brings herself to pull up buffy's name and even longer before she decides on what to say. ]
i'm sorry you had to do that. and for what he did to you.
i don't know what i can do for you but if there's anything, let me know.
but because she'd known her there, she can't go without saying anything.
it's still a long time before she brings herself to pull up buffy's name and even longer before she decides on what to say. ]
i'm sorry you had to do that. and for what he did to you.
i don't know what i can do for you but if there's anything, let me know.
Hey! Iβm not sure Iβm up for coming to your party, but. I wanted to at least say happy birthday.
What flavor cupcakes do you like?
What flavor cupcakes do you like?
[ inside a small, neatly wrapped gift bag left on buffy's bedside table is a handwritten note and a baby pink velvet jewelry box. when opened, a gold embellished locket sits. it radiates magic, a gentle pulse of power. when worn, buffy is protected from the winter chill, and will find it imitates august's body temperature.
Happy birthday, Buffy.
I left the locket empty so you can fill it with any photo you want. It won't just keep you warm for the winter months. Anyone you put inside can be located whenever you need. I know you'll choose them wisely.
- A.M. ]
Happy birthday, Buffy.
I left the locket empty so you can fill it with any photo you want. It won't just keep you warm for the winter months. Anyone you put inside can be located whenever you need. I know you'll choose them wisely.
- A.M. ]
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