[and the thing is, she's right -- nobody else knows angelus, knows what he's capable of, knows how to cut the hurt off at the root so it doesn't keep spreading, infecting. it's a thankless, ugly job, and it's one that buffy hadn't asked for, but she'd stepped up, stepped in, put herself as collateral damage for the sake of everyone else. and it had worked, happily-ever-after writ in blood and ash and whatever history buffy doesn't even consider worth mentioning.
that, and what she says next, painting a picture so accurate that koby can't argue with it for the first time in his life -- it's eloquent and exact and he doesn't need to reach out or probe around in her emotions to know buffy gets it because that's her too. because there are people made to be protected and there are people made to protect, and if you're the latter it gets into your bones, into your head, and you split yourself open on the altar of usefulness and you thank the universe for the privilege of sacrificing yourself, because what else can you be? who are you if you aren't the slayer, the hero? who are you if you can't make it easier and feed yourself on all the fear and all the loneliness and all the pain you took from someone else?
it feels arrogant, comparing himself to her, all his efforts in finding amy and giles just damage control, an attempt to atone for giving angelus the matches and the kindling and the best way to hurt everyone. but buffy wouldn't be able to see all that if she hadn't first seen it in the mirror.
so:] And you're Buffy. You're Buffy and we need you, and I'm sorry for that, because it's not fair. It's not fair that it had to be you. But it was. And it could've been Ani next, or Max or Grace or anyone, and it wasn't, because you made it not be and
I don't think I'm the only person running, that's what I'm trying to say.
Also you can come slap me if you want to. Maybe it'll fix me.
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that, and what she says next, painting a picture so accurate that koby can't argue with it for the first time in his life -- it's eloquent and exact and he doesn't need to reach out or probe around in her emotions to know buffy gets it because that's her too. because there are people made to be protected and there are people made to protect, and if you're the latter it gets into your bones, into your head, and you split yourself open on the altar of usefulness and you thank the universe for the privilege of sacrificing yourself, because what else can you be? who are you if you aren't the slayer, the hero? who are you if you can't make it easier and feed yourself on all the fear and all the loneliness and all the pain you took from someone else?
it feels arrogant, comparing himself to her, all his efforts in finding amy and giles just damage control, an attempt to atone for giving angelus the matches and the kindling and the best way to hurt everyone. but buffy wouldn't be able to see all that if she hadn't first seen it in the mirror.
so:] And you're Buffy. You're Buffy and we need you, and I'm sorry for that, because it's not fair. It's not fair that it had to be you.
But it was. And it could've been Ani next, or Max or Grace or anyone, and it wasn't, because you made it not be and
I don't think I'm the only person running, that's what I'm trying to say.
Also you can come slap me if you want to. Maybe it'll fix me.